"a successful tycoon, or a wistful cartoon..."

Hello world. 

My apologies, it's been a long gap since the last update. Plenty going on, much of which i could have downloaded onto this forum, but i really didn't want to put anything out there that I felt was inappropriate for this forum. In all honesty, I’ve not been in a great place emotionally. Despite a vacation of sorts in Cornwall, in a beautiful house, a lovely wedding, spinning some rock 'n' roll and the company of fine fine people, I've been sitting in a dark cloud of demotivation, self pity and blame. 

I'm usually not that susceptible to such selfish emotions. I've been thinking about why my vivacity isn't at its regular level and I guess the obvious summary is that this past year has been totally and utterly mental. No job, no money, major surgery, new company, pregnancy, complications with surgery, weight loss, more surgery, no voice, twin pregnancy, pain every day, another new business, weight gain, 2 new babies, cash flow, success with businesses, still no voice, still in pain, eventual burn out. 

I'm not having it though. It's easy to say that i can't maintain this pace etc etc, that I need to take a break and be normal, work 8 hours a day, know when I’ll get paid, where I’ll be working, who I’ll report to. I can’t though. I’m unemployable, it’d be unfair to unleash me on a ‘normal’ company with rules and processes that work and never get challenged. I've lived at a high tempo for 39 years, so this one shouldn't take its toll with any more fervour. I need to be able to carve my own destiny, be it as a successful tycoon, or a wistful cartoon. There’s a mission that remains incomplete and rather than let it fall short of resolution I need to be my own revolution.

You see, me being all dark and moody, lacking lustre is unusual, but it’ s a real leveller. It surprises people when I respond to their general interest in my wellbeing with a ‘I’m off colour’ or ‘I’m not happy’ because it’s unexpected. Good old Jez, he’ll cheer me up. Sorry, I’ve been a little lost.

I know though, that everything will be sound. I know that this whirlwind I live in is occasionally a downward gust, but generally an upwards spiral. Today at Royal Marsden I got my voice back. I have a denture admittedly, so I’m in the same position I was a year ago, but I can hear me and I feel good about that. Squae one feels good, i heard my own voice for the first time in what feels like eternity. I think I can say my sons names for the first time. Rudy rather than Rooney, Felix rather than Phoenix. My chat, back…

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama said; “When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realise that everything springs from only yourself, you will learn a both peace and joy”.

So true, so so true. So enough of the self loathing, the fault finding and onwards with the relentless love, groove and year of forward chaotic motion… I love a little chaos, it's part of my very fibre...

One Love

Jez

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