Perspective...

Watching the news. Jimmy Saville, the Winterbourne View case, kids strarving to death or dying from preventable diseases. Real things that make me realise I'm very selfish at times. Some of the stuff they've unvieled about the Winderbourne View Hospital is incredible, how can so many of these 'carers' have been in cahoots in their abuse of these people? Saville's another story, and one that is pretty damn complicated, totally sinister nevertheless. How can someone not stand up for what's right when such vile things are happening around them? I really believe none of this would have got past me without a serious fight. Am I that much in the minority feeling that we'll never prosper as a community, a nation, a race without looking out for each other?

Anyway distractions aside, this is the 'Jez Show' and although thinking about this stuff gives me perspective, helps me realise I'm the lucky one really, I'm still struggling with the feeling that Monday is arriving far too quickly and that I have too many open ends, unfinished dynamics. Even the Estate Agent who promised the earth told me today to drop my house price by about 15% if i want it sold. So, with my tenant moving out next week (another thing I didn't have control over), I've had to take it off the market and get the estate agent to find a tenant fast so I don't end up with a mortgage and no income for any longer than necessary. Even something this simple feels difficult because I'm in hospital when she checks out and she'll want her deposit back and I'll not be able to give it to her etc etc. Stuff that really shouldn't bother me in the slightest becomes another fear/pressure. And really, I know it's not something I'd usually batt an eyeld at.

And I suppose that's the point. I had, in my head, mapped out this last few weeks leading up to the operation fairly clearly and they've been very different, much less fluid, more insecure, more stressful and full of experiences I'd not even considered. Very different to the perfectly tessellated jigsaw of significant moments in time that I'd envisaged.  

 Enevitable? maybe. Frustrating? at times. Emotional? definitely. But, the word on my lips that best describes me is 'Vulnerable'. Which has been constant since the start of this blogging journey. Up and down and happy and sad, but this strange feeling of vulnerability that I'm very unfamiliar with as a staple. Even when I got diagnosed I felt in control, like I knew what needed doing. This time I've got more to lose, more to live for, more to be grateful for and I'm pretty sure that's the main reason for my melancholy. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll have a different opinion, but I'm increasingly more driven to fullfil my destiny and they say that 'The Fear of Loss' is a big motivator so the stakes are high and 'The Fear of Loss' is creating a lack of bloody sleep!

One Love

Jez

x